What my autistic children taught
me about success
When my triplets were born, I quickly learned that preparation is the key to success.
I set up an assembly line of food to feed three ravenous toddlers, I installed gates all over the house to keep the kids safe as they scrambled in three different directions and I carried a bag full of wipes wherever we went to clean up the inevitable disasters.
Whatever challenges the day would hold, I knew the answer was to prepare. But nothing could prepare me for the day when I learned that two of my chidren might have autism. I had been concerned because Ethan and Savannah, who were 2 at the time, seemed not to respond when I called their names. I thought they might have hearing issues. The doctor said, “I think they may be autistic.”
I was consumed with questions: How could this happen to us? How did our kids get this? What was going to happen to them?
But after two weeks of despair, I quickly came to the conclusion that my frustration wasn't helping anyone. It didn't help me, and it certainly didn't help my kids. In my professional life, I had established myself as an executive coach who solved problems for businesses. I decided my only option was to deal with their autism diagnosis head on. I had to get to work.
It's been 16 years since that day, and I am the proud parent of three 18-year-olds who are healthy and, most importantly, happy. Dealing with autism may not be a path I would have chosen, but it has made me a better executive coach and a better person.
Let me share some of the lessons I've learned that could help you in your career:
Be persistent
My daughter Savannah went through a stage of refusing to eat anything besides French fries. For months, we would not let her eat French fries unless she ate something new. We would sit with her, her mouth bulging with vegetables, until she swallowed. After several weeks, she realized that we were as stubborn as she was, and she began to accept it. Nowadays, Savannah is as happy eating a salad as she is eating pizza.
When faced with a challenge, keep at it. Persistence often pays dividends.
Focus on the positives
As all parents of autistic children know, much of your time is spent keeping them safe and stopping them from doing something dangerous or inappropriate.
Yet with our son Ethan, using obvious directives like “Don't do that” or “Stop it” would often lead to an emotional meltdown because he perceived such words as angry or scolding. It would take time to calm him down.
Instead, we learned to say “Ethan, come here” or “Let's try this instead” to redirect him, which would have the intended effect while keeping him in a positive mindset. These days, he radiates positivity. It's wonderful to see him nearly burst with pride whenever he finishes a jigsaw puzzle or solves a problem.
It's the same in business. People tend to respond to negative interactions negatively. If you can focus on keeping things positive, you'll be surprised at the reactions you get.
Change what you can, accept what you can't
I've learned that I will never fully understand how autism affects my kids. While it might seem odd for Savannah to plug her ears in a room that seems perfectly quiet, I know that it's something that soothes her. Trying to make her stop only helps me, not her.
Instead of getting her to unplug her ears, we've found that playing music through her headphones often helps.
In business, work on what really matters. If something can't be changed, move on. There will always be another challenge.
Take care of yourself
I always refer back to the flight attendant's instructions: If the oxygen masks deploy, make sure to put yours on first before attending to others.
It makes no sense to work yourself to exhaustion if it keeps you from attending to your responsibilities, whether in work or parenthood. Make sure to take the time to rest, recharge and appreciate small victories in life.
For example, when Ethan was 17, he said to me, “My tummy hurts!” I was thrilled, because until then he had never been able to tell me when he was sick. Life rewards you, sometimes in mysterious ways.
Those triumphs are there for you too, no matter your personal or professional challenges.
Don't go it alone
I have a challenging, fulfilling career as an executive coach that requires travel all over the world. I built this career while raising triplets, two of whom have special needs. I could not have done it without my husband and my other son, Tyler. I also have a skilled team of teachers, therapists and education advocates.
Business leaders also need strong teams. You are only as good as your team, so invest the time and resources to get the right people around you.
My training as an executive coach turned out to be a surprising asset in raising two special-needs kids. And my children have taught me more than any university could about executive coaching, business and life.