Dear Amy: My husband and I have a good relationship, but last night a small argument spiraled out of control. I told him it makes me feel anxious when our lawn is the last one on the block to be mowed. Such a small thing, I know, but his response really got under my skin.

First, he said that if I really cared about the lawn, I wouldn’t have asked him to drop by the store on the way home. I wasn’t asking him to mow last night but was just expressing my feelings. His response made me feel like he was questioning my feelings. I wish he could have just said, “I understand. I’ll do it tomorrow,” or even, “My back is really hurting me tonight, but I’ll get to it soon” or SOMETHING other than his snide comeback.

I felt like he was gaslighting me. I told him he was gaslighting me, and that is when things spiraled. He called me an “ass” and slept in the basement, and this morning he emailed me a list of websites that define gaslighting. He rehashed our conversation, point by point, to emphasize how wrong I was about everything. He also asked for an apology.

I wasn’t trying to name-call, but I really did feel like he was gaslighting me. I haven’t apologized, because I feel like this is manipulative behavior. Now he’s saying he’s not coming home tonight. Am I totally in the wrong here?

— Gaslit?

Dear Gaslit?: My understanding of “gaslighting,” which comes from the suspenseful old movie “Gaslight,” is when one person basically drives another person crazy by creating a false reality and then convincing the person that the false reality is true. It is not as simple as one person questioning, or denying, another person’s feelings or perceptions.

In your situation, a true gaslighter would say, “But honey, the lawn IS mowed. Are you feeling OK? Sometimes I worry about you because you can’t seem to accurately gauge grass height.” And you would believe him, because he would have worn down your confidence in your own perceptions.

The way I read your scenario, your husband responded to your somewhat clunky lawn shaming by making a fairly lame excuse, thereby trying to blame you for his delaying the mowing. You then decided to supply examples of things he “should have said.” When that got old, you both transitioned to a ridiculous red herring that doesn’t have anything to do with anything.

If you want the lawn mowed, then mow it yourself, or ask him, using plain English, “Do you think you can get the lawn mowed soon?” You two would probably still have had a tiff, but at least it would have been about the lawn.

Stop emailing each other and sleeping apart. Have it out (in person) and then hug it out.

Dear Amy: My wife and I are in the process of setting up a trust. I have a niece whom I have decided to disinherit because of the unconscionable way she treats her mother, my older sister.

My niece knows I provided for her by naming her as a co-beneficiary on my retirement funds, a designation I am rescinding. Should I tell her of my decision or just let her find out in the course of time?

— Pissed Uncle

Dear Uncle: I hope you are receiving competent legal and financial advice. This is vital when doing estate planning.

Regarding the relationship, you should do whatever is in your sister’s best interest. For instance, if notifying your niece that you have disinherited her would remove an even remote incentive for her to behave decently, then don’t tell her about your plans. She hasn’t earned the right to know your financial plans, and the thought that she might benefit from a relationship with you down the road might give you some authority, and even minimal control, now.

Dear Amy: “Formerly Terrible” was a high school bully but says he has changed. I liked that he fully admitted his behavior and wants to apologize and make amends to the people he hurt years ago. Your response and suggestions were good, but you left out an important step: He must also forgive himself.

— Also Formerly Terrible

Dear Also Terrible: Many people voiced support for this man’s efforts and also pointed out that he should keep working on forgiveness.

Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson

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