Woman fears being all alone when father, her partner die

Dear Eric: I am a woman in my late 50s. I have never been married or had any children. It was always my father who raised both myself and my sibling (who passed away at the age of 40). I am in a long-term relationship. and we both respect and love one another.

My father is in his late 80s and not in great health. I cannot stop worrying that when both my father and my partner leave this Earth, I will be all alone.

The friends that I had for more than 20 years have moved on to build their lives. I was left behind for reasons I prefer not to explain. My fears are that I am going to be left all alone. I feel like I am already grieving. The shape of the world that we live in is depressing.

How do I lift my spirits? I have tried some exercises, but I have arthritis, and it limits me. I would gratefully appreciate any and all advice you can give me.

— Upside Down

Dear Upside Down: Anticipatory grief is the experience of feeling sadness before a loss occurs. It can be really hard to navigate because there’s not an event to latch on to in the present.

You’ve already taken the first step in dealing with it, though, which is acknowledging that you’re feeling it. Don’t be afraid to talk about your fear with your partner or your father, as well. It may feel like you have to handle this on your own, which only compounds your fear of being alone after they pass. By expressing your love and the questions you’re wrestling with, you open the door for them to help you process them and perhaps see new perspectives.

A conversation with your father might focus more on how you can make the time you have meaningful.

The conversation with your partner might also include practical discussions about planning or ways your partner can help you in your effort to lift your spirits.

Even the act of telling those we love that we’re going through a hard time can crack the door open inside of us and let a little light and relief in. Additionally, it can be helpful to say, “I have planned for what I can plan for and, at this moment, I’m going to be present in my life and with the things that bring me joy.”

Talking about the way you feel with a counselor will also help, as will trying to think of activities or communities that you can get involved in now to help bolster your support system.

Dear Eric: I allowed a new boyfriend to move in with me. I am six years widowed and thought this would be wonderful. He has some issues after being forced to move out from a previous relationship and has stated how thankful he is that I came into his life.

I guess my problem is he can be very negative and at times resents my grown children being around me. He states he would probably be living in his car or lying dead somewhere. He does have family from whom he is somewhat estranged.

I feel like I have lost some of my independence and that now it would be better to be somewhat alone.

— Feeling Regrets

Dear Regrets: Resenting your kids being around is a red flag. Coupled with his negativity and the comments he makes about what would happen if you hadn’t let him move in, his behavior strikes me as manipulative.

I worry that this is a pattern of behavior for him. You should ask yourself if this person is taking advantage of you and your relationship. If he’s not creating a generative, positive space in your now-shared home and he’s trying to push your kids away, at best he’s not in a position to be a good boyfriend. At worst, he’s trying to isolate you.

It’s not too late to tell him that this arrangement isn’t working out and he needs to make other plans. He may bring up the car or the ditch; those possibilities don’t negate your experience. And they don’t have to be his reality. He can and should take responsibility for his living situation.

You can help him think through his options, if you have the capacity, but you’re not stuck just because he’s in a bad place in his life.

If he’s truly as thankful as he says he is, perhaps this conversation will prompt him to make amends and make some changes.

Send questions to eric@ askingeric.com.