Two decades ago, when it became clear that a relationship between Melissa Lattin and Eric West was becoming serious, the 20-something pair realized they had something important to talk about.

Lattin grew up in a Jewish household. West was culturally Protestant. They needed to address how they’d raise the children they wanted to have.

“That was actually our first fight,” says Lattin, now Melissa Lattin West, a CPA who works in Owings Mills, with a laugh. “What I thought was, ‘Oh, my God, are we going to have a Christmas tree? How intimidating is that?’ A lot has changed since then.”

The Wests, of Towson, have raised their daughters in the Conservative Jewish tradition, but they’ve provided exposure to Christianity as well, and on Wednesday — when the first day of Hanukkah and Christmas coincide — they will celebrate each, starting with a tree topped by a Star of David.

To Eric, blending holidays is a metaphor for the life they’ve all shared.

“We’ve always shared a healthy respect for each other’s traditions,” says West, who works in software development in Baltimore. “You have to have that to make it a successful marriage that is ‘interfaith.’ ”

Members of the Jewish community have long been familiar with what is known as “the December dilemma.” Hanukkah, which commemorates a Jewish military victory in Jerusalem some 2,200 years ago, usually falls in December, and given Christmas’ claim on the 25th, the two can occur within weeks or days of each other.

What is Hanukkah and why does it have different yearly dates? Hanukkah, a word that is also spelled “Chanukah” and in other ways because it’s transliterated phonetically from the Hebrew alphabet, celebrates the triumph by Maccabee rebels over the mighty Greek forces occupying the city in about 160 B.C. When a candle in the Holy Temple that contained just enough oil for one day burned for eight days, it was deemed a miracle worth commemorating.

Christmas, of course, marks the day Jesus, the messiah to his followers, was born.

It’s because Jewish people use the Hebrew calendar, which tracks with movements of the sun and moon, that Hanukkah occurs on differing days each yer, though it’s always in late November or December.

And when Christmas begins Wednesday morning, and Hanukkah at sunset the same day, it will mark only the fifth time since 1900 that they’ve coincided. It previously happened in 1910, 1921,1959 and 2005.

“This is one of those years when God played a cruel trick on us,” jokes Mitchell Wohlberg, rabbi emeritus at Beth Tfiloh Congregation in Pikesville. “Normally one takes place before the other, so people can say ‘they’re celebrating and we’re not,’ or ‘we’re celebrating and they’re not!’ But this is one of those years when he made Hanukkah and Christmas come out at the same time.”

The confluence probably matters little to the scrupulously devout on either side, as chances are lower that members will marry outside their faith. But Jews and Christians are marrying more frequently than ever.

According to a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center in 2021, fully 41% of married Jewish people had a non-Jewish spouse as of that year. The number jumps to 61% among those who were married after 2010, and among non-Orthodox Jews, it’s now a whopping 70%.

The numbers are so great that classes and counseling sessions on interfaith marriage have become commonplace — and those who offer them have plenty of strategies on the December dilemma.

Jacki Post Ashkin, of Jewish Community Services, a licensed social worker, provides counseling for couples or families from different faith backgrounds where one member is Jewish.

She tells parents it’s important to talk through likely points of conflict well in advance — even in the early stages of their relationship, if possible — and to do so with love and open-mindedness.

“Regardless of whether the holidays coincide like this year or occur further apart on the calendar, couples need to navigate the same issues, which essentially means they need to have open, honest, proactive conversations,” she said.

“‘What holidays will we celebrate in our home? What symbols, holiday-related or other are we comfortable, or uncomfortable, having in our home?‘” Post Ashkin said. “‘What traditions from our respective pasts and childhoods mean a great deal to us do we want to find a way to integrate into our present and future?’ ”

She mentions the eight-stemmed candelabras known as menorahs as well as mezuzahs — inscribed parchment scrolls that are meant to bind the Ten Commandments to the doorposts of homes — on the Jewish side, Christmas trees, nativity scenes and Santa Claus images on the Christian side, and poses a question: Is it OK to wrap Hanukkah presents in Christmas-themed paper, and how about the other way around?

“Families can incorporate elements of each in their home after talking to each other about what does and does not feel comfortable,” Post Ashkin says.

Others in her field say the omnipresence of Yuletide imagery, sometimes starting months in advance, can leave children and adults raised in Jewish homes feeling alienated from the majority culture.

Observance of different traditions can take practice: To those raised observantly, they say, it can be almost as hard to relate to the prevalence of candy canes, trees in the house and the idea of flying reindeer as it is to a Jewish carpenter who rose from the dead.

And, they point out, Hanukkah is a far less important holiday than Passover or Yom Kippur for the 2.4% of Americans who identify as Jewish, while Christmas is a massive one for the 66% who say they’re Christian, according to Lifeway Research, a Christian polling firm.

Indeed, historians say it wasn’t until the mid-19th century that two Reform rabbis, Isaac M. Wise and Max Lilienthal of Cincinnati, popularized the once-obscure Hanukkah holiday by emphasizing games and activities they knew children would enjoy.

But Robyn Frisch, a Philadelphia-based rabbi, says it’s a mistake to view Hanukkah as a “Jewish Christmas,” both because doing so diminishes a holiday with its own important history, meaning and traditions and because it’s fruitless.

“In many families, children are given a small gift every day of Hanukkah,” says Frisch, who works with 18Doors.com, a network of rabbis who offer counsel on interfaith issues.

“Others might have a charity night one night, then a pajama or game night. Some might give their children a big, Christmas-like pile of presents every day, though I advise against it,” Frisch says. “But let’s not pretend Hanukkah is something it’s not. If you compete over the secular aspects, the big commercial gift-giving aspects, you’re going to lose.”

Instead of using the term “December dilemma,” she says, she prefers “December discussion,” as it suggests the kind of mutually enriching conversations interfaith couples have an opportunity to engage in.

It’s not a competition, she says, but a chance for both sides to grow.

“This should be a blessing, not a dilemma,” she says. “When interfaith families visit Christian relatives, it can be a chance to expose them to aspects of Hanukkah. ‘Why are you lighting just this candle? Why are there eight candles?’ Many families, including kids and cousins, really appreciate that kind of thing.”

When the two fall on the same day and interfaith families find themselves among Christian relatives, Frisch says, they might consider finding a separate part of the house to say Hanukkah prayers or light candles in a small menorah they bring along, then return to the larger group.

After all, seven days of Jewish celebration remain.

“There’s no best practice for any interfaith family,” she adds. “There are underlying issues, but in most cases people can work things out.”

Combining faiths can create new memories: Wayne and Gail Willoughby of Westminster and their children, now adults in their 30s, are familiar with the balancing act.

Wayne, an attorney who practices in Pikesville, was baptized a Methodist, attended Presbyterian Sunday school, and once served as president of the board of his church, Trinity Lutheran in Westminster.

Gail grew up in a Jewish family in Pikesville whose forebears emigrated to the U.S. in the early 1900s. She has always belonged to Beth El Congregation, a historic Baltimore synagogue.

The pair became friends in college, but for Gail, the idea of dating a non-Jew was so alien it took her months to realize she saw Wayne as a romantic prospect. When she did, some family members kept right on trying to set her up with Jewish men.

But Wayne worked in a Jewish deli, brought her parents whitefish, and was unerringly friendly. It added up.

“He wore them down with his charm,” says Gail, 68, with a laugh. They were married by a Jewish cantor and a Bible-church elder.

They chose to raise their son, Matthew, and daughter, Dana, in the Jewish faith, but they attended Wayne’s church as well as Gail’s synagogue. The parents stressed spiritual themes over gift-giving, added a Christmas tree to their December traditions in time, and always took part in decorating.

“We made sure the kids understood it was Daddy’s Christmas tree, that we were doing it for him,” Gail recalls. “We taught them to show respect, although Dad’s beliefs were different from what we practice.”

The family ultimately adopted a custom of attending a Christmas Eve service each year, going to the movies the following day, and following a popular tradition among American Jews: Dining at a Chinese restaurant. This year, the four plan to include “about 15 minutes of Christmas gift-giving” and “move on to Hanukkah” by lighting menorahs at sunset.

“Maybe we’ll have some latkes,” Gail says. “And donuts are always good.”

Eric West, meanwhile, says that even though his own father was a devout Christian, his own love of Christmas was about the joy of that morning, the aroma of the tree, the gathering of family.

He was fine with the couple’s daughters, Emma and Sophie, attending Hebrew school and having bat mitzvahs. But he did secure an early commitment from Melissa that they’d provide the girls with the same kind of Christmas mornings he had as a child.

It was, he said, a matter of setting “ground rules”: They’d avoid overtly Christian symbolism but embrace the secular joys of the morning. That helped Melissa overcome her fear of theological confusion.

This year, they said, they’ll attend a Christmas party at his brother’s house, where the girls will hang out with their Christian cousins and the four will later visit an upstairs room to enjoy, in Gail’s words, a “quiet, drive-by Hanukkah.”

When they get home, she says, she’ll enjoy the sensation of driving up their driveway, seeing a lit-up tree in the window, and getting into the aspects of Christmas she has learned to enjoy.

“I actually love it,” she says, “especially the smell of the tree.”

Have a news tip? Contact Jonathan Pitts at jpitts @baltsun.com, 410-332-6990 and x.com/jonpitts77.