This Thanksgiving and holiday season our guests may volunteer opinions on any number of divisive topics. You’ll want to ensure the occasion remains a celebration rather than become a lamentation. My work facilitating groups through conflict offers some lessons.

Debate should be avoided. No amount of conversation at your holiday gathering will change minds. That is rarely achieved, and only after a protracted, guided process. Efforts to persuade will likely prove upsetting. So, keep the conversation away from positions, facts and misinformation. Speaking about how a topic makes one feel instead of employing “get off my lawn” statements is peaceable and, possibly, unifying. It’s nearly impossible to become angry with someone who leads with the heart. This is easily accomplished by having guests answer questions such as, “How are you personally connected to this issue?” and “What emotions do you experience as a result of your connection?”

It’s also worth mentioning to your guests that their comments don’t need to be amplified by the thinking of others. It’s not necessary to include the feelings of family, friends, congregation members or “everyone I’ve ever talked to” as backup. If this occurs, remind the speaker, “We care about what you feel. Tell us more about that.”

Let everyone know that good intentions are to be ascribed to all comments. This reminds speakers to assess the motivation behind their words before speaking. And it affords group members a fundamental level of trust in one another.

Discussing contentious issues is fraught with the potential to hurt others or to be hurt, which likely explains why we tend to avoid such conversations. Words and phrases, once deemed neutral, may now be imbued with negative implications. “Ouch” or “that didn’t land well” are relatively innocuous ways of pointing out when you or one of your guests has been offended. Pause the conversation so the group can discuss the implicit meaning of the offensive word or phrase. Unpack it. Then offer the speaker a chance to say, “Whoops, my mistake” and apologize before moving on.

A group I facilitated on race in America paused to discuss the meaning of a single word. A participant from another country had used it in what he believed was a benign context. In truth, there is no benign context for this word. Yet, that error and the comments it catalyzed contributed to the subsequent value of the convening. Participants shared their experiences with the word, and most importantly, how they felt diminished and despised whenever they heard it.

You can signal it’s time to wrap up the conversation by having guests identify common themes. “Where are there overlaps in feelings, but not necessarily beliefs?” This question allows reflection that can lead to cohesion of the group and, with any luck, relationships outside of your holiday gathering.

End the conversation by extending an opportunity to reflect. To think about what was gained, and where energy might be constructively placed in the future. “What do you want to say in closing? How do you feel about what you’ve said and heard?”

A group of women whose friendship had been damaged by conflict in the Middle East drew on sacred texts in reflecting on their renewed commitment to one another. One recited a prayer, first in Arabic, then English: “The human condition is chaotic. We face loss. Urge each other to the truth. Urge each other to persevere.” Another woman quoted a Hebrew text: “You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from it.” Conversations about conflict can be the truth, the work and the reward.

Julie Garel (juliegarel@me.com) is a communication strategist and group facilitator who lives in Bethesda.