Dear Amy: I’m a happily married woman in my 30s. Two years ago, my mom tragically died of cancer, which devastated my father. A year after that, he married “Maria.”

While I’m thrilled that Dad seems happy and less lonely, I can’t help but notice how cruel Maria seems to be. The first thing she did after moving in was have my mother’s beloved dog put to sleep (she said the dog was old and they had decided they “didn’t want pets anymore”).

After that, I received a package in the mail full of my paintings. I’m an artist, and several of my paintings were displayed around the house. Maria had taken them down because they “decided to redecorate.”

I live two hours away, and when I call them I rarely get to speak to my father. Maria always answers the phone, and if I ask for him she will say he’s too tired or that he’s in the shower. I don’t know if she gives him my messages because when I do get to talk to him, he acts like I haven’t called in years.

I’m happy to see my father have companionship. The last thing I want to be is petty. But I’m hurt by this woman’s actions, and I need an objective outsider to tell me if my feelings are out of line. I still miss my mom terribly, so maybe that is marring my judgment. What should I do/say to this woman, if anything?

— Worried Daughter

Dear Worried: It sounds as if your father’s wife is deliberately isolating your father. Having the dog euthanized, quickly redecorating and shipping your paintings to you are all ways for her to remove familiar, and likely comforting, aspects of your father’s former life.

It can be painful to witness a loved one engaged in an abusive or controlling relationship. Attempts to intervene or possibly intimidate the controlling party will not necessarily work, and may backfire.

Presumably, your father is cognitively healthy. He has the right to choose to be with this woman. However, you should do everything possible to keep in close touch with him. Visit at least once a month — and invite both of them to visit you for an overnight. The best way to keep an eye on your father might be to befriend his wife, as much as possible.

If you notice signs of abuse, neglect or financial exploitation, if you are never able to speak with your father or become alarmed by any sudden changes in his health or behavior, you can call an elder abuse hotline in their area for advice and possible intervention.

Dear Amy: I’m a 70-year-old woman with a 39-year-old daughter. She recently discovered through DNA testing that my husband is not her biological father.

I had to admit to having a love affair with a married man for two years. He would not get a divorce but wanted me as a mistress. We argued and he disowned me and our baby, and moved far away.

I recently located him, but his family refuses to let my daughter visit, as he had a severe stroke. I am very confused.

— A Guilty Mom!

Dear Guilty: The timeline is a little unclear, but I’m going to assume that your husband has always known that he is not your daughter’s biological father. Please understand that he is an important part of this family equation.

What you must do now is to be completely honest and transparent with your daughter, supplying answers to her questions, to the best of your ability. In addition to the emotional impact on her, she presumably has valid genetic questions.

The married man who abandoned both you and his daughter cannot be expected to come around now, and if he is impaired, his family will realistically try to protect him (and themselves) from this shock.

Turn over any contact information to your daughter. Support her efforts, and also support her emotionally as she experiences a very challenging transitional period in her life.

Dear Amy: I totally agree with your response to “Pete the Packrat.”

Never rent a storage unit for your excess stuff. Doing so just creates a spatial vacuum to fill with more stuff. I learned this the hard way and am trying very hard to change.

— Former Packrat

Dear Packrat: What my family calls “hoeing out” is an ongoing process. I give you a lot of credit for sticking with it!

Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson

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