A group of us gathered in a friend’s home on a Saturday night for a spaghetti and meatball dinner and a couple bottles of wine. We talked about Dwight Eisenhower’s presidency and the prospects for his then-Vice President Richard Nixon, the Republican candidate for president, to succeed him in the race against Democratic opponent John Kennedy. Animated exchange continued throughout the evening about the policies of the two parties, the better president for the country’s future, the president with the best skills to unite us and whatever else that came to mind. The discussions were civil, informative and enjoyable. We concluded the evening with warm goodbyes and the promise to see each other in class during the week and to dine together again soon.

The year was 1960 and we were graduate students at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Our hosts’ ancestors were Italian, and the rest of us came from various states and parts of the world. It seemed like talking politics then was a requirement of that time and place, and we were somehow contributing to a better America by doing our part. Many campuses were liberal but allowed for, or seemed to allow for, expression of all points of view. It also seemed that our politicians were tolerant of opposing views and were able to find common ground for productive legislative action. I really miss those days.

Fast forward 65 years. When we, now old and thinking ourselves experienced, get together socially we talk about all sorts of issues except politics. Even a hint of political undertones is frowned upon. One is always mindful and on guard against inadvertently saying something that should not be said. There is a valid reason for this: Discussing current politics is divisive and usually escalates to a heated and sometimes uncivil exchange with someone’s feelings getting hurt. And a friendly gathering turns sour. So to the chagrin of some and the delight of others, it makes perfect sense to keep the peace and forgo talking politics.

Actually, people do talk politics! People talk politics among friends and family of the same political persuasion. Democrats talk about taxing the rich, programs for the middle class and health care for all. Republicans talk about reducing taxes for corporations, striving for smaller government and encouraging small businesses and individual incentives. Both sides believe in the superiority of their presidential candidates. And they would rather die than vote for the other party’s candidate.

Put the opposing two groups in the same room and you will get disagreements even on the fundamental facts of most issues. Some people have stopped reading or watching the news altogether, while others get the news from self-interested podcasters, grifters, bad actors and uninformed neighbors and friends. The friction between the two groups is palpable. A sorry state of affairs indeed.

But in order to make a great America even greater, we the people have to talk politics, in a civil and noncombative way. We should listen, not talk past each other, and keep an open, not a made-up mind. This is a necessary first step for resolving our differences, offering possible solutions and considering alternatives and compromises. If we could talk to each other, we would be in a better position to inform and influence our representatives and political leaders in the hope that they will act responsibly as well.

So we are caught between a rock and a hard place. If we love America, we should talk politics because we want to make a great America even greater. But if we love our friends and family, we should not talk politics because we want to keep the peace and maintain our relationships among them. So what do we do?

There is a glimmer of hope. Ugly debates, uncivil exchanges and threats of violence are not new in politics. They have waxed and waned throughout history. There are times of divisiveness, and there are times of unity. There are moments when politicians put country over party, as when President Ronald Reagan and House Speaker Tip O’Neill, who were on the opposite sides of the political aisle, could still be friends and work together. And more recently, when Sen. John McCain, in an iconic moment, gave the thumbs down to join the Democrats in rejecting a proposed bill to dismantle Obamacare, it was a unique gesture showing that opposing political parties could make things happen. There is reason to believe that divisiveness will eventually fade and unity will prevail.

There is no easy way to start talking politics again among family and friends. But if we believe that doing so would be patriotic and good for our country, then let’s do our part and give it a shot. Perhaps this could be a topic for discussion next time we get together. Better still, let’s do this over spaghetti and meatballs with a bottle or two of wine.

Michel A. Ibrahim (micheljackie7393@gmail.com) is a retired professor of public health who lives in Baltimore.